A Letter To Those Who Avoid.
Dear avoidant and emotionally withdrawn one:
While those close to you might not understand, you’re feeling so much when you shutdown. So much you often end up flooded and unable to think or process. Yet they see your stoicism and they think you don’t care. That perception makes sense since when you withdraw, they can’t reach you, understand you, or feel connected to you. It’s painful to be disconnected from those we love and I know it’s painful for you too.
You learned early in life, perhaps you don’t even remember, that you had to rely on yourself when emotions become intense. You learned to go inward and not express outwardly to the world what you felt on the inside. Perhaps it wouldn’t result in a loving or compassionate response. Or perhaps a caregiver would become more angry and negate what you felt. You learned to remove yourself from the situations that created the discomfort inside in order to find relief.
This worked well as a child. And that’s important to know and respect about yourself. That you developed this strategy to manage yourself, your relationships, and your emotions. But as an adult, this is keeping you in an emotional prison and robbing you from the connection you also deeply desire.
I’m also guessing you’re really good at knowing when others are feeling upset and even what they might be thinking. You learned how to decipher other’s emotions in order to read your environment. At the same time, all this awareness became caught inside and you never learned how to externalize your experiences. So it’s normal to feel frustrated in relationship when you’re asked to express yourself. You may struggle to find the words or even believe it’s pointless to do so. It simply has never been normal to talk about your emotions.
So why would you suddenly know how to? Or even want to?
But dear avoidant, resorting to only taking unstructured space to escape your discomfort isn’t serving you as it once did as a child. It’s not helping you understand yourself or connect openly with those you love. It’s building walls and sustaining a distance. When you go away and stay in your mind, trying to reason your way through what can only be navigated by feeling and expressing, you become stuck and likely grappling with a sense of being severely alone.
Naming Emotions
It’s time to begin practicing naming what is happening on the inside. This is how you will learn to understand what you need and what boundaries are helpful. Continuing to only move away when you feel intensely is proving to not be sustainable and not contributing to your growth.
1. Begin by noticing what you sense in your body. This helps you get out of your thinking mind and connect you to your emotional self. This will be uncomfortable. Expect that and be gentle with yourself.
2. Attempt to describe in a journal what you sense when you feel different emotions. Describe where in your body you feel certain sensations and simply pay more attention to these sensations. Be curious. If this feels weird to you to reflect in this way, that’s good sign you’re doing something for your betterment.
3. Practice asking for things other than space. Perhaps you need a softer tone when in conflict. Yelling and sternness are common triggers for those who emotionally shutdown. Try expressing positive experiences, such as when you feel supported and cared for. It’s important to name what you like and would like more of, too.
When Taking Space
Taking space can be a healthy behavior and every person carries that need to step away at times. It becomes unhealthy when it’s impulsive and unstructured.
When you feel you need space, perhaps because you’re angry or flooded, or when you simply have that need to connect to yourself, practice articulating your need. For example: “I’m feeling really overwhelmed and I can’t think straight. I’d like to take an hour to calm down and then come back to you.”
Another example: “I’m needing some solo time so I can connect to myself and then show up better with you. I’d like to have spend a day this weekend alone, will that work for you?”
Notice these examples includes naming the feeling, expressing the need and providing a reasonable commitment to the other person. Taking unlimited and undefined space is appropriately upsetting to another person. They aren’t over reacting when you might take days in silence as this can feel like a punishment to them. It is thoughtful to yourself and the relationship to commit to coming back when you need to step away. This will be a stretch for you to do.
You will likely need to work on shortening the gap of the space you take as you grow your emotional awareness. You may initially need a day to fully regulate when you’re triggered negatively but working towards the goal of under an hour to return to your partner is a healthy goal.
When you are clear about what you need you are expressing a boundary. And boundaries are shared to keep relationships strong. The important piece here is that you honor your word for your own integrity and to show respect for the other person. This will help build trust and relieve any anxieties they may have about the need for space. So when you say an hour, mean an hour. If you realize after coming back and checking in more time is needed, that’s OK too. But keep your word.
Solace With Others
On your emotional journey, you will need to learn you can find comfort and relief with others. You continue to seek solitude when you’re triggered emotionally but you were not made to handle this tough world alone. We are literally hardwired to be in connection when struggling. The most secure relationships learn to navigate tough waters together, not separately.
Rather than leaving, try staying in the same room while asking for what you need. It could be a pause in the conversation or it could be a request for a relaxing activity after you’ve had a hard day. Lean into exploring touch as a way to sooth your elevated emotions too. Asking for an embrace or sitting closely to watch a movie. Going for a walk with a person you care about could also allow you to practice telling them about what you’re experiencing.
Despite what you may have learned in life so far, it is very healthy to depend on others in times of stress and hardship. Keep practicing reaching out rather than going inward.
Expressions of Connection
As someone who has relied on yourself to get certain needs met, you’ve subconsciously become self-focused. This is a default state especially when emotionally stressed. A likely blind spot is you become focused on yourself, your needs, and wants. This then means you may not easily reach out to others in consistent ways that help create security in relationship.
It’s important to reach out with both words and actions in unpredictable and unasked for ways. This could be by sharing messages of “I’m thinking of you and wondering how you are today.” Or going toward your partner in the middle of the day for a loving embrace. It’s leaving a simple note for them that shares a sweet sentiment.
These are healthy ways to feed and nourish a relationship. You likely never experienced receiving this expression of love, so again, it’s normal that this isn’t your natural go to… yet. It will take practice and it will feel strange at first. Keep practicing!
It’s also important for you to share with those you care about when you’d like to see them, that you’re excited about upcoming plans, and take initiative to make these plans. In healthy relationships, this is a reciprocal dance that both partners share.
A healthy partner
As you lean into this emotional growth and practice these new ways of opening up in the world, you will need a partner who is kind, understanding and encouraging. They will likely have gone on their own journeys of growth and can be compassionate as you go on yours. Shaming criticism deflates all of us and never motivates us.
A great partner for you will be someone who is confident, self-aware, and able to articulate themselves emotionally. This person will be skilled in knowing their needs and their boundaries. They will be able to offer feedback kindly to you and this will assist you in your personal growth. At first, you might mistake their feedback for criticism but there is a difference. Stay open when the person is gentle and kind. If they are too harsh, then once again, practice asking for what you need and don’t just take the easy route of shutting down.
You are doing a brave act in becoming aware of what you feel and what you need. You do deserve support and love along the way. Because nothing is wrong with you, nothing! You simply weren’t shown or taught ways of expressing who you are. You weren’t encouraged to take emotional risks so that you could also feel the beautiful reward of being met exactly where you are. I’m hopeful you can begin taking these steps so that you can experience the true depths of what secure conscious love is all about.
With grace + gratitude,
~jessica
