Security in Anxiety.
I want you to understand something really important. Just because you’re anxious does not mean you’re insecure in relationship. You can wrestle with anxiety + show up confidently secure with your partner.
This is because actual confidence is being who you are, in each moment. Even when that means you’re anxious. Confidence is NOT the lack of uncomfortable feelings. It is the understanding of your experience and the ability to allow yourself to be courageously human.
NOTE: anxiety is manifested in both the avoidant and the classic anxious attachment patterns. Each of us actually contains every attachment style, including secure attachment which is our most natural state. Please do not box yourself into one category. You may have a stronger style when emotionally triggered but you are not one label.
Being Secure With Anxiety
I’ve had a long personal history with anxiety. In adult relationships, unconscious and unhealthy anxious strategies have hijacked my heart where I often negated my needs to try to maintain connection… at all costs. Some connection, even if unhealthy, felt more reassuring than none. This is a common hang up where we lose ourselves and our needs when hiding the truth of what we feel.
In these situations and relationships, I wasn’t confident in myself and I wasn’t being honest or standing in my integrity when I let anxiety take control.
I think it’s important to understand what it means to be insecure in relationship. Because if we don’t understand what creates insecurity, then we won’t be able to create security. The good news is, it’s simple.
The Good News
The cornerstone of insecurity in relationship is a dismissal of yourself + what you personally need to feel secure. Therefor, the cornerstone of secure relationship is an honoring of yourself and what you personally need.
Did you read that? Maybe give it another look over. Because you need to understand this. It’s about what YOU need. Not what a book says or a psychologist or an article someone else wrote. The truth is, feeling insecure or secure is a very personal experience. It’s shaped by our family, our culture, our traumas, our previous relationships, and our current emotional status.
And in relationships, security is also co-created and is dynamic. It is the ability to know your own needs while holding space for another’s. This space is then continually renegotiated, over and over and over. The priority and focus becomes whether both partners are feeling connected, regulated, and respected by having their unique needs met more often than not.
It’s not easy. And yes, it does require work. To think sustaining a beautiful relationship wouldn’t require effort is avoidance at its best. But the reward is deeply fulfilling and will create ease over time as you harness this process.
To be able to embody security in relationship, both partners have to show up openly. One cannot take on the sole responsibility, as this inevitably creates the well-known anxious-avoidant trap. It’s important to note, that the avoidant styles of attachment are battling anxiety too. They, however, do so through emotional withdrawal, self-reliance, and burying the discomfort of angst so deep down that most aren’t even able to identify that they’re feeling anxious.
LEARN MORE ABOUT AVOIDANT BEHAVIOR HERE
What does it mean to show up to co-create security?
A quick guide.
- You take consistent time to understand yourself emotionally. Daily if possible.
- You articulate your needs as specifically as you can and express the boundaries you need in the moment.
- You can listen to and honor your partner’s unique needs without defensiveness, giving equal space to yours and theirs.
- Together you navigate and compromise so that both feel supported.
Examples 0f Secure Responses When Anxiety is Present
Example #1
A conflict occurs and emotions begin to rise. One partner begins to feel overwhelmed and flooded, unable to speak clearly. They share this with their partner (identifying emotions) and state that they need an hour to take care of themselves + calm down so that they can think more clearly (specific need). The other partner respects this by not continuing to talk about the conflict in the moment (responsiveness) and if they feel anxious about the space requested they may share this while emphasizing the importance that the other person return back within that hour (expression of emotions and needs).
Example #2.
Another common scenario could be a partner is feeling disconnected and feels a familiar rush of fear or worry. They notice the dysregulation and first do what they need to feel more emotionally centered (emotional awareness). Then they go toward their partner to share that they’re feeling disconnected and that they need reassurance through touch or time shared together or perhaps to simply check in (specific need expressed). The partner in return engages and responds to the expressed need, not needing to defend or criticize. This is also an invitation for the receiving partner to check in with themselves emotionally to explore any potential blind spots. Those who lean toward withdrawal are often unintentionally unaware that they’re emotionally distant.
Conclusion + Hope
Ultimately in relationships, it’s an ongoing dance of sharing our needs and working lovingly to meet the needs of those we care about. But this is hard work and it does demand commitment to your own emotional journey. Yet it will prove to be incredibly fruitful when two people can dance so gracefully together and create genuine security in their relationship.
