The Loving Cynic
This weekend I attended the first wedding in a long while. Likely due to pandemic postponing, as well as, being past that time stamp in life where weddings fill the calendar. Unexpectedly, my heart received so much from this beautiful experience of honoring love and observing the intentional beginning this couple is taking.
It was also the day after my own wedding anniversary. Do you still have anniversaries when you’re divorced? I suppose… it’s a day on the calendar that will forever carry a tone and a remembering. This year it carried a neutral tone and I actually forgot it was my said “wedding day.” There’s something healing about that. It’s now a date that feels like another lifetime ago where it’s hard to realize that was, in fact, my life a few short years ago.
Since unraveling what was my marriage, a cynicism has taken root toward weddings and marriage. I became resentful for being sold a fantasy that blinded me to the realities of what a conscious relationship is. And frankly, what love demands and is.
The cynicism, I’m aware, closes my heart as it tries to protect the vulnerable under-layers that so deeply longs for a soulful partnership. But it’s a heart that has remained fearful that those cards may not fall onto my path. I can feel the sadness right now as I acknowledge that fear. Looking at it directly and honestly, instead of hiding it behind bullshit cynicism. It’s a sadness that reveals the truthful depth of that longing.
As I watched the bride radiate excitement to become not just “a wife” but “his wife,” I was inspired and even a bit jealous. I know I did not embody that excitement at my own wedding. And a part of me felt a painful sharpness that I’ll never have that first walk down an aisle back again. I’m embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to trust myself and walk away when I knew it wasn’t right. Instead, I pushed through and put on a smile for everyone else to cover the fearful knowing that rose inside that day.
Her smile, though, gazing at him during their ceremony, was genuine. And their bond, so palpable.
This is what I’ve longed for and have doubted actually exists. Which is why the medicine of witnessing honest conscious love is powerful. We’re reminded it is real and that we don’t need to settle for anything less.
And there’s my invitation and even calling for growth. I’ve always settled. I’ve self sacrificed and abandoned myself over and over in relationship, lacking boundaries as I battled the part that has questioned her lovability. That’s the cynicism too. It’s merely an armor over a tenderness that so deeply longs for a committed conscious partnership where both individuals are honored and supported by the bond that is the relationship.
We sometimes wish we don’t have to go through what we go through. But that is a significant mistake to dishonor our journeys. Because we can not become more conscious without these trials. Nothing will ever break you open, expand your awareness and provide the opportunity for healing like a good old fashioned crushing heartbreak. Nothing.
In moving beyond the barriers of cynicism, I honor the path I’ve courageously taken. With every mistake, I’ve come to know myself more fully and have regained who I am, which also means I’ve regained my knowing of worthiness to be deeply loved and cared for.
Healing, what a wild ride.
My hope: May we remember the truth of Love and how abundant it is, keeping our hearts open and curious. Always and in all ways.
xo,
~jess
