When You’re Disconnected

In every relationship, disconnection happens. While it may be normal, it isn’t healthy to linger in the gap of discord. When disconnection seeps into a relationship, what we do with it matters most. 

Like a slow leak, unaddressed disconnection will cause severe damage over time. And if we wait for the flood, we’re sometimes too late to the scene. When couples enter my office in complete crisis, with their marriages and relationships on the brink, I often discover disconnecting patterns that started early in the relationship. For years, they either didn’t notice the slow leak or they ignored it with fingers crossed it would somehow fix itself.

It’s important to understand that as social human beings, we are wired to be in relationships. And more so, we are wired to be in relationships where we can depend and need others. Being isolated and overly independent beings isn’t in our make up. In fact, pervasive loneliness (not healthy solitude) causes illness, disease, depression, and anxieties. So, when disconnection shows up, it’s imperative you know what to do next. 

Notice

Tune into the red flags of disconnection. It might be less time spent together, increasing conflict, less physical touch, or perpetuating silence when you’re in the same room. Red flags vary for each relationship. But there are common feelings that signal disconnect. It’s usually a ping of loneliness, feelings of misunderstanding, and questioning whether you truly matter to your mate.  

Close the Gap

When disconnection arrives, a common response is to wait and avoid. And nothing could be more damaging! This is when that slow leak starts to wreak havoc. The sooner disconnection is addressed the better. Yes, we all need moments to pause or step away when things get heated. But learning how to come together ASAP to repair and close the gap is critical. Face and trust your feelings of disconnection. Then courageously go towards your partner to tell them what you’re noticing. Most importantly, let your partner know that you’re seeking to reconnect and that you’re not looking to place blame or attack. 

EX: “I wanted to check in with you because I’ve been feeling distant from you. I’m not blaming you, simply hoping we could share more time together or talk. I’m needing that right now.”

Check In

If you and your partner can make it a regular habit to check in on your connection, you’re well on your way to having a strong secure relationship. Begin being purposeful in asking not just “how are you?” but asking “How connected do you feel with me? Have I been showing up for you?” These are emotionally intimate questions and conversations. At first, they may feel awkward or strange. That’s Ok. Because moving into discomfort is how we grow in relationship. Take the risk! And you’ll soon find the reward.